What's Your Money Style?
Attachment theory can give us a deeper understanding of ourselves, and it can help us describe what we’re sensitive to – our needs, our wants, and even our relationship with money.
Attachment Theory was formulated and developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
It’s a lens that can help us explore our expectations and why we have them – why we may experience disappointment or fear.
We can make sense of why we focus externally if that’s what we tend to do, or why we shut down and tend to go inward instead of reaching out.
We can apply Attachment Theory to our relationship with money to get our "Money Style."
There are four styles: Anxious, Avoidant, Fearful-Avoidant, and Secure.
Anxious
Characterized by a sense that you can’t do it on your own, can’t trust your choices, and need someone to tell you what to do when it comes to money decisions. Feelings of anxiety when thinking about checking your bank account, over-thinking when it comes to spending, and/or an ever-present fear that there will never be enough.
Feelings of moral outrage, "I'm not going to win, I'll direct all my atention at how fucked the system is." This is our "fight" response. This is not bad! We need outrage to fight the systems, and let’s also get curious about when this might create a detriment for you personally and deplete you.
Avoidant
Characterized by a feeling of being an island, that you have to do everything on your own, you can’t ask for help, and have to be fully self-sustaining and self-reliant. The idea of borrowing money might seem like a totally absurd concept, or make you feel sick to think about because you value your freedom and self-sufficiency. You don't want anything to interfere with your sense of autonomy.
Our "flight" response: not looking at your bank account, throwing away bills, "I’ll deal with it later, it’ll all work out."
Fearful-Avoidant
Characterized by a "deer caught in headlights" kind of experience.
This style manifests as an oscillation between both anxious and avoidant tendencies. When thinking about your finances, debt, or money decisions you might go into freeze, and feel overwhelmingly unsure of what to do, so you don’t do anything at all.
This looks like procrastination, resignation, collapse, not feeling grounded with money, "it's so intagible - what’s a credit card? We print money?"
Secure
Characterized by a general sense of calmness around your finances. You feel grounded and approach your money decisions with curiosity and openness. You have the ability to be mindful, present, and compassionate with yourself when reflecting on your money choices and making future decisions.
When money stressors occur you aren't completely thrown off and can "roll with the punches." This is an "I can, I’m able" experience.
Understanding my attachment tendencies has helped me heal so much in my relationships.
Everything in our personal lives affect what’s going on in our businesses, which includes our money.
Figuring out your “money style” is a powerful tool that can give you deeper insight into what’s important to you and why, why you yearn for the things you yearn for, and where your fears may stem from.
It can be very validating and affirming.
When I first learned about this work it seemed that secure attachment was superior and if you weren’t expressing secure tendencies it meant there was something wrong with you.
I want to emphasize that there’s nothing to be fixed.
Our money style is an expression of the way our nervous system brilliantly adapted to our surroundings and circumstances when we were little and had no control over the environment around us.
Applying Attachment Theory to your relationship with money can help you cultivate more discernment when it comes to your money choices and aid in your long-term financial well-being.
And when it comes to healing our money trauma that’s exactly what we want: to increase discernment and decrease shame.
Vesta Business School is open for enrollment!
Learn more about this exciting and immersive 12-week group and 1:1 coaching experience here!
If you’re ready to heal your relationship with your self-worth, money, personal gifts, and resources then this is the program for you!
