Is it Trauma or is it My Personality?

Have you ever wondered, “Where does my trauma end and where do I begin?”

When we begin our healing journey we may find ourselves asking this question and possibly grieving for the ways in which our personality, outward expression, and internal world has been shaped so much by our trauma.

I want to share with you an example in my own life.

As much as I feel I’ve cultivated a deep self-awareness there’s always more for me to learn about myself and my subconscious responses to varying situations.

Last weekend I attended a training on somatic approaches to trauma and I felt very out of place immediately when I walked in.

It took place on a college campus inside a room with long tables, chairs, and a big white board.

Although I have a college degree, I felt deeply out of place.

This training was specifically for professional counselors, school counselors, play therapists, social workers, psychologists, and graduate students.

Of course, anyone could attend, which is why I went, but I unexpectedly felt this sense of inadequacy because I don’t have a degree in psychotherapy.

When the presenter occasionally opened up the floor for us to share our thoughts I found myself feeling like a fraud when I spoke, and I noticed I was sort of laughing as I shared my perspective.

Stories like, “I don’t know what I’m talking about. These people know more than me. I didn’t go to school for this. I’m not an expert and they can tell.”

But later when we broke out into partner groups for an exercise I learned that my partner was learning all of this information for the first time even though he’s a practicing social worker, and I actually had a better understanding of the material than he did.

In the exercise we were supposed to practice “tracking” each other as we spoke about a mildly irritating experience. 

My partner reflected back to me that when I shared some difficult feelings I would kind of laugh and look off into the distance.

It was an “aha” moment for me to reflect on why I was having this response. And then I thought about all the times I engage laughter as a way to discharge my anxiety in tense, uncomfortable, or even unsafe situations.

No matter how much we’ve healed, and how practiced we are, sometimes our survival responses will kick in because it’s become a deeply ingrained subconscious pattern - meaning we don’t even know we’re doing it.

My nervous laughter is a result of keeping myself safe inside a white supremacist, patriarchal system that taught me that I need to be submissive, play small, and make myself as unthreatening to the status quo as possible.

I’m asking the question: when might my nervous laughter not be necessary? And is this something I want to practice phasing out in situations where I’m actually safe to share my voice without apology or submission?

It’s kind of like the phenomenon of apologizing a lot for no reason.

It’s not to say that apologizing is completely bad or wrong. There are situations where it can be helpful and serve a purpose. 

And my nervous laughter, or laughter in general, is a great tool to diffuse tension.

I don’t want to completely get rid of my ability to respond with nervous laughter if it indeed protects me from danger.

But the key is to get curious about when, where, and why we might be doing this, and ask ourselves, is this serving me? If you find yourself doing this here are some questions you can ask yourself:

Am I bearing the weight of a tension that I no longer have to carry in my body?

Is it safe for me to show up without feeling the need to minimize my presence or subconsciously not take myself seriously?

Is it safe for me to take myself and my presence seriously despite what anybody else thinks?

How can I assume authority in situations (where it’s appropriate for me to do so) where I might usually shrink?

Going back to is this question of “ is it my trauma or personality?”

This question isn’t either/or. I think it’s something for us to explore as we heal and to constantly be compassionately curious about.

As a Libra sun, I definitely have a predisposition to be a “people-pleaser,” and a preoccupation with ensuring that I’m likeable and non-threatening.

But over time, a byproduct of healing and getting older is you just don’t give a fuck about being likeable anymore.

And yet, there’s still remnants of this desire in my subconscious patterning. Also, connection is a basic human NEED, so it makes sense.

As a Libra sun, my main motivation is connection, so ideally I don’t want to do anything to sever potential or active connections in my life.

But also, my biggest values are justice and anti-oppression, so if it comes down to it I will risk severing a connection in service of my values.

As you navigate healing and returning to yourself after trauma has severed your connection to yourself and your truth, remember that this space of confusion, of not knowing whether your expression is shaped from trauma or your inherent personality, is part of the process. Our life experiences will inevitably shape who we are. Healing is ultimately about integration.

This exploration can bring up grief, anger, rage, etc. but slowly over time, and with the proper support and resources, you can reshape and regulate your nervous system, which will be the key to cultivating presence.

And cultivating presence is how we access our truest selves.