Mercury Missive | July 10th, 2024: Remembering Our Purpose, What Gives Us Aliveness, and the Grief That Can Come With Our Gifts

This morning I rolled, still very sleepy, out of bed at 5:40am (You know I'm exhausted when I'm going to bed before the sun sets. I mowed down two slices of pizza with ranch from the place down the street and passed out listening to a podcast), made my usual coffee and oatmeal and listened to the daily meditation from the CHANI app.

Today's was called “Meaning.” Chani asked me to recall the last thing that happened in my life that gave me a deep sense of satisfaction. The last thing that felt heart-warming, calm, energizing, and that reminded me that I was on the right track, that I was on purpose.

A few things came up for me:

The time in high school when I put together a summer craft camp for kids ages 3-12 and divided up the kids into appropriate age ranges, researched activities and crafts, created a schedule, printed out the agenda and all of the information, and passed out these stapled packets of paper to the neighbors.

My mom invested in my business, gave me the start-up seed money for it, helped me shop for all of the supplies, and we ended up in a deficit at the end of the camp.

So the business wasn't profitable but my donor wasn't upset with me and I didn't have to pay her back, which was nice.

I remember feeling stimulated, satisfied, connected, and joyful. I was rewarded by the knowledge that I was contributing to these kids' self-confidence by encouraging their creativity and expression, giving them a space to play and be themselves, as well as giving a couple hours back to their parents, so they could run errands or just relax at home without kids in their face saying, "I'm bored. What can I do?" (I remember being this kid. I was probably still this kid when I made this camp, hence, starting the camp).

I also recalled the time I read my poetry at a community gathering at a friend's house in so-called Portland, Oregon. My friend rented a room in a big, old house in a cute, Portlandian neighborhood on an acre of land where the owner, his friend, turned it into a micro-farm complete with a red barn and yurt that someone rented out.

The poetry and music night would happen in the barn on a monthly basis and I read my poetry about how I wish women would get overgrown and bushy like zucchini, how I wanted us to sprawl. I was in my men are trash era before I even realized it.

It was during this era that I lived with SIX other women in a two-story orange house, with an unfinished basement where we hosted open mic nights. A group of friends that had formed a band would play their songs, I read my poetry, and another friend was a dancer, so she would put on James Blake and dance for us.

It was the closest thing I ever came to living in a sorority, and I loved and hated every minute of it. It was the biggest wake-up call I needed that made me realize I'm definitely a Virgo rising who likes cleanliness and order and no crumbs on the counter before I begin cooking.

It was in that house that I met Yolanda, a very tall, blonde, quirky girl (in the truest sense of quirky) from Australia, who gave me her old tarot deck. I'd give amateur readings to friends who were hopelessly infatuated with below-average cis white men. I was also infatuated with my own mediocre cis white dude and while I don't stay in touch with those women anymore, I'm sure they're all lesbians, or at least bisexual / political lesbians like me.

What a much more satisfying and beautiful experience it would've been if we had all been lesbians. A girl can dream in retrospect.

My mind also landed on the time I gathered 50+ people into Red Point Climber's Supply for the first Terra Incognita Media event. I felt powerful, like wow, I just gathered all of these people over just a couple weeks with flyers and word of mouth and social media and networking. I had been working at a climbing gym in so-called Portland, Oregon for a year or so, and made a bunch of friends and built a huge community through that job. Without realizing it, I was networking, utilizing that network, and unbeknownst to me building my personal brand, as well as the brand that would become Terra Incognita Media.

Now, 7 years after that event, most of those people have fallen away, expressed dislike for how I approach issues of race, class, and gender within the outdoor industry, and I've had several break-ups with a slew of friends who once felt like family.

After moving back to so-called St. Louis at the end of 2019, I'm still building my community and chosen family.

Most recently, something that brought me immense meaning, and reminded me of my purpose, was that I gathered 4 queer friends that I had met on “the apps” to hang out at the Saturday Farmer's Market. (I've been using HER, Bumble, Hinge, and Feeld to make new friends, and yes, I'm on all of them. It's a lot, but I don't look at them everyday, and I treat it like an intentional task because I'm dedicated to building and growing my queer community / chosen family).

We met at a gazebo in the park, introduced ourselves, shared our pronouns, talked about how our mornings were so far, shared about how we ended up in so-called St. Louis, and then meandered over to the market.

Afterwards, we gathered in a spot in the shade underneath the century-old oaks, I read everyone's astrology charts, and everyone expressed gratitude for the energy I put into initiating and planning the get-together.

I credit this to my Libraness (my sun is in Libra), and my Libra heart felt so seen and warmed up by that reflection and affirmation.

This exercise in recalling these memories felt especially pertinent today after yesterday's good, but rough therapy session in which I spoke to my amazing queer, trans non-binary therapist who is the biggest, brightest badass in the game (and who I also have a ginormous crush on, but that's between you, me, and all of my friends), about how I don't feel seen, validated, and affirmed within my biological family.

This meditation from the CHANI app was particularly helpful because something I've been processing in therapy is that I'm actively ostracized and made to feel like a villain in my family for being my honest, authentic self.

I'm actively grieving the relationship I've always yearned to have with my parents, and particularly with my little sister for reasons I won't get too specific about. But I feel like sharing this generally because my strained relationship with them has really impacted my ability to put myself “out there” in the world and be confident in my vision, and my unique talents, gifts, and skills.

No matter how many years I've been building Vesta and Terra, and no matter how much confidence, determination, and fearlessness around speaking the truth I was born into this world with, I'm still continuously meeting the consequences and grief that comes with these gifts.

Being committed to authenticity and truth-telling comes at an expense. For me, the loss of an emotionally safe, affirming relationship with my family, as well as losing some friends and previous jobs. But as a cis white woman from an upper middle class background, born into a family that hasn't disowned me, I know the consequences are exponentially more devastating and life-threatening for those with more marginalized identities, which makes me even fiercer about truth-telling.

I share this because our inner and personal life will absolutely impact our ability to show up in our businesses, to shine in this world, to bring forward our unique talents, skills, and gifts, and to be unapologetic in doing so.

I invite you to try out this exercise of remembering and reflecting back on moments in your life when you felt totally on purpose, totally affirmed, totally and completely meaningful and on the right path.

Ask yourself, what was the last thing that happened in my life that made me feel like that? Like Chani invites us to do, imagine that happening again. Today. Tomorrow. Feel that feeling in your body. Notice the signals that your body sends you when you're doing something meaningful to you.

A running theme in most of the examples I gave is that I didn't think twice before doing these things. I just felt the impulse to create and I went for it.

What's something you're feeling the impulse to create? How can you take one step towards just going for it today?

Even if it feels bumpy sometimes, as it has and does for me, you're not going the wrong way. The path isn't smooth or linear, and the bumps are sometimes our most impactful teachers and guides.

I'm wishing you grace as you navigate the bumps this week, and as always, sending you buckets full of my feminist killjoy love,

Erin