Money Shame and Quieting Dad's Voice (Goddess Love Him)

The myth of meritocracy is bullshit and your stress about your financial situation is not due to poor budgeting.

Despite rationally understanding that systemic and institutional forces significantly impact our financial reality, we may still harbor intense shame when confronted with the state of our bank account(s).

Shame is one of the strongest barriers to healing. But what if our shame is actually in some weird way helping us? Or, at least trying to help us?

Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D. wrote for Psychology Today:

”Shame is often confused with guilt—an emotion we might experience as a result of a wrongdoing about which we might feel remorseful and wish to make amends. Where we will likely have an urge to admit guilt, or talk with others about a situation that left us with guilty feelings, it is much less likely that we will broadcast our shame. In fact, we'll most likely conceal what we feel because shame does not make a distinction between an action and the self. Therefore, with shame, "bad" behavior is not separate from a ‘bad’ self as it is with guilt.”

If shame manifests as the belief "I am bad" or "I am a mistake with money," it paradoxically gives us a sense of control. Rather than fully acknowledging that "the capitalist system I live within is rigged against me"—which would imply we lack absolute control—we resort to self-blame.

This gives us a sense of control over our lives. Shame is, in fact, a necessary survival response that protects us when we're in danger, facing a threat, or feeling trapped and powerless. In a roundabout way, shame is trying to keep us safe. At the very least, it's familiar—and familiar feelings can be soothing, even if they're unpleasant or painful.

Shame, like any other emotion, is an integral part of the human experience. It's not inherently "bad" to feel shame.

**However, as we mature, we often find that this survival strategy of self-shame and self-blame causes more harm than good and no longer serves its original purpose.**This adaptive behavior typically originates in childhood. I know it does for me.

Here's an example: As children, we might experience situations where a parent can't provide the emotional support we need. They might neglect us or send us to our room when we're feeling upset, angry, or hurt.

We interpret that neglect as "I'm bad." If I'm the problem, I can fix it. The issue is within my control. I can prevent my parent from neglecting me next time if I just behave better.

However, the real issue is complex and not at all the child's fault. We should also avoid placing blame solely on the caregivers. It's crucial to recognize the oppressive systems and structures we live within.

The child's emotional neglect can stem from multiple sources: the parent's emotional immaturity and/or their own unhealed trauma, our isolating and demanding society that makes parenting incredibly challenging, and a complex interplay of factors related to race, class, and gender.

As children, we have little control over our lives, so blaming ourselves for our distress serves as a coping mechanism that helps soothe us. It's far more frightening to consider that our parents might be the ones who are out of control and emotionally (or even physically) unsafe for us.

Unfortunately, we often become trapped in our shame, spreading it like a contagion. As adults, we may project our shame onto peers, friends, or partners. To avoid the feelings of inadequacy that shame brings, we might develop contempt for others or shame them instead. This perpetuates a harmful cycle.

So, how can we move forward once we recognize that our shame, while trying to protect us, is ultimately holding us back?

First: Practice discernment. A Trauma of Money™ motto is, "Decrease shame, increase discernment." Ask yourself, "Whose shame is this?" With compassion and patience for your process, you may discover that the shame you carry isn't actually yours.

In my case, the shame I once felt around money stemmed largely from my dad's voice, constantly telling me I needed to budget better. Oh, Dad. Goddess bless his heart.

**Second:**Connect with your inner child. What do they need to hear from you right now? Personally, I often remind my inner child that it's not their fault, they don't need to work so hard to be seen and heard, that they're inherently lovable, and that I love them. This process took years of therapy and positive self-talk. If inner child work is new to you, I recommend researching it further and gradually building a relationship with your inner child. It felt weird and challenging for me at first, and I encountered resistance, but over time, my defenses softened, and I was able to heal my relationship with her.

Third: Replace shame with compassion. Thank the part of you that's trying to protect you and keep you "in line," and gently let it know that you no longer need it on the “frontlines.” Compassion is the antidote to shame.

Fourth: Be compassionate with the part of yourself that wants to flood your system with shame—the part that's trying to protect you from feeling what's really going on: neglect, abandonment, isolation, helplessness, grief, anger, rage, sadness, etc. Try to dip your toe into these hard, uncomfortable feelings. Wherever we feel shame is a clue to where we need to focus our attention, curiosity, and healing.

Fifth: After you've touched in on your shame do something regulating. Go outside in nature. Watch some funny Tiktoks or your favorite ridiculous comedy (I've been loving rewatching She's the Man with Amanda Bynes. Yes, it's entirely problematic, but goddamn she's a comedic genius).

I'd love to hear from you. What's your relationship with shame? Who's shame are you carrying? Did anything shift for you after you tried these steps? Have you seen She's the Man? I can't be the only one who has a soft spot for this early 2000s classic...

Send me a note: erin @ erin k monahan [dot] com / Book a free Clarity Call / Join me on Substack / Check out my free and paid offerings

Lots of love,
Erin