5 Tips for Cultivating Authenticity
Authenticity isn’t a one and done act. It’s a process of continual self-discovery, a commitment to unlearning your conditioning under systems of oppression, and an embrace of healing from trauma.
What are you drawn to? What people, places, or things catch your eye?
Chances are you are drawn to that thing because you want it or you want to be it. Our brains are conditioned to see through a lens of lack because of white supremacist, patriarchal, capitalism.
Instead of noticing how alike we are to something, we tend to focus on how dissimilar we are — what they have that we don’t. I did this with Harry Styles. I wanted to be him and I wanted to be WITH him. I adore him forever. In a therapy session I explored this tension more and found that I do possess Harry Styles qualities and characteristics, but I just express them in different ways and in different circumstances. I also came to the conclusion that Harry Styles wouldn’t be able to do certain things like I do and that’s where I shine.
Where might you be projecting onto someone else? What do you actually have and possess, but aren’t recognizing in yourself?
2. In a dream world how do you want to show up? Like, dream big right now. How would you ideally show up in the world if nothing could stop you or tell you otherwise?
Okay, amazing! Now, why can’t you show up that way right now? What’s holding you back? Is it something your parents said to you? A school teacher? An aunt? Maybe it’s society?
While systems of oppression are real and it’s important to acknowledge the tangible barriers they pose for folks, particularly Black folks, I want to also remind you of your personal power.
Think about a situation in which you may be playing small. What would it be like to shift that dynamic or situation even just slightly by showing up a little differently? Maybe you could assert a firmer boundary somewhere, or maybe it’s more internal and you decide to stop investing so much time and energy into that thing that’s draining you. What little shift might take place if you do that?
No matter who you are you possess great personal power.
Is there anywhere in your life where you’re making yourself small for others when you actually don’t need to?
3. Get to know yourself more deeply by understanding the difference between trauma vs. triggers.
A situation might truly be unsafe and in that case you should definitely do whatever you need to get to safety. Abuse of any kind is never okay. And then there are times when our brains and bodies interpret a situation or person as a threat when they might actually be safe.
Sometimes we are okay in a situation or with someone, but our brain and body are finding cues that are familiar from past trauma, so our alert system/threat detector (also called “neuroception” coined by Steve Porges) goes off. We move into flight, fight, freeze, or fawn, and it can keep us from the outcome we most desire.
How can you discern trauma from a trigger when you’re feeling heightened or threatened? It’s helpful to learn ways you can regulate your nervous system. When we are triggered our system is often experiencing dysregulation.
An example of being triggered and experiencing dysregulation would be if you’ve ever been so incredibly mad at someone that you feel like you could punch a wall, but then you go for a walk outside (or remove yourself from the situation for a bit), and suddenly your anger decreases, and you realize you’re actually not that upset. You can now see the other person’s perspective. This is an example of your nervous system detecting a perceived threat, but then the walk allowed you to regulate, which brought you into seeing more clearly.
This is why it’s important to try not to focus on your thoughts when you’re in that heightened or dysregulated state (again if you’re not being abused or violated). It’s when you feel grounded and clear that your thoughts will reflect a more holistic picture of what you’re experiencing. I usually feel differently about a stressful situation after I go for a run or journal.
We don’t often remember our thoughts when we’re most present in our bodies and experience because we’re just busy being present. But those moments are great times to ask your internal wisdom what you’d like to know.
It’s not “bad” that our bodies experience dysregulation. This is a beautiful self-protective measure that we possess. But through gentle and continual practices of discernment we can begin to see when our responses are coming out of the present moment, or when we’re having a response to a past trauma. We can start to develop a closer relationship to ourselves and see ourselves more clearly, which will allow us to tap into our authenticity.
4. Invest in various healing modalities.
I’ve done talk therapy, hypnosis, astrology, and invested in coaching, as well as a myriad of courses online from anti-racism to attachment styles. It’s a privilege and these things do cost money. But maybe you can find ways that are accessible to you.
For example, you could Google therapists in your area and see if they might have special pricing or scholarships. They might offer COVID relief pricing right now. You could even ask a coach, astrologer, guide, healer, or hypnotist you want to work with if they offer different pricing options or payment plans.
There’s also a TON of free content online. I love Silvy Khoukasian, Dr. Thema, Sarah Baldwin, Chani Nicholas, Taylor Ursula, and Sonalee Rashatwar just to name a few.
DISCLAIMER: I’d also like to make a note that this isn’t to suggest that when we act out of a past trauma, or when we’re triggered we are somehow not acting “authentically,” but this is just to get us thinking more critically about our reactions and responses, so we can get closer to building the life, relationships, and presence that more closely aligns with our values, our desires, our wants, our needs, and the world we want to create.
5. Work with your shame. Get to know it.
Shame is the bedrock of this society. These oppressive systems want you to feel so shameful for who you truly are.
Shame will impede your ability to own your power, your agency, and shift into your fullest truth and be a leader in your business. It will keep you form promoting the shit out of your work, products, and services like you damn well should.
There’s no shame in the work you do, there’s no shame in who you are, and there’s no shame in wanting to share it with the world! I had to unlearn, reject, heal from, and rewrite the narratives of shame that have been projected onto me from others.
I learned that it was time to put the same down. It’s not mine. It’s not yours. Put it down. Put that projected shame down! You don’t have to carry it. When someone wants to place shame on you for your choices, your decisions, your desires, or your trajectory in life, just give it back to sender. Repeat after me, “I’m not available for this shame anymore. I’m not a receptacle for this shame.”
To conclude I encourage you to ask yourself these questions:
What’s biggest fear around being visible in your work?
Are you afraid you’re going to make a mistake?
Are you afraid people aren’t going to like you?
Are you afraid of success because you’re worried you won’t be able to sustain it?
Or are you afraid of failure, so you don’t even try?
I just want to give you the warmest welcome to the club because these are fears I have to work through often. I learned from Dr. Valerie Mason-John, who is a speaker, mindfulness teacher, author, and the co-founder of Eight Step Recovery that any information we receive isn’t necessarily “good” or “bad,” it’s just feedback. It’s information.
I’ve also learned from anti-racist educators like Ericka Hart and Kenya Budd that binaries are a construct. They’ve been created, upheld, and reinforced by white supremacy. So the “good/bad” binary is an imaginary thing. It’s not real. There’s no such thing as “good” or “bad.”
As human beings we naturally attach meaning to things, but there’s nothing natural about binaries. So, we need to question our attachments and get curious about the meaning that we’re making about feedback we receive when we put our work out into the world.
Being an entrepreneur is a courageous thing to do because it requires you to put yourself out there. In order to put yourself out there you have to go on a healing journey because you’re going to be met, and come up against, all of these really natural fears.
Implementing these tips will allow you to be your fullest, most authentic self and build a business that you love and are truly proud of.
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Send me an email at erin@erinkmonahan.com or find me on Insta and shoot me a DM @erin.k.monahan :)
